Thursday, September 2, 2010

Michael Caine is My Father, and Harry Brown

I imagine myself in good company when I say this: I fucking love revenge films. Braveheart is my torchbearer; this, the most ambitious ["This time it's personal." Unreal.] I'd recommend Law Abiding Citizen to anyone who shares this passion--a horrendous film for which Jamie Foxx should have committed seppuku.  Whenever I need a little spark in my life, I turn to this genre*, which led the lady and me to watch Harry Brown last night.

Before Mr. Brown went on his rampage, I said this: "He needs to get a least five kills to make it worth it. But I'd love to see fifteen." Five kills is the minimum for good revenge. In a film going for realism, like this one, 15 is the max. Mr. Brown hit six. It was perfect.  

And, for a moment, like a shot of Jack on an empty stomach, I felt warm & energized. Then I switched over to Spaceballs--The Animated Series and I was back to normal. My wife must fantasize about killing me 47 minutes a day.

*Others might prefer the underdog story--Rudy, A Few Good Men, Rocky, The Godfather--when looking for a lift. Fuck that. Those stories depress me.

A Shot at Redemption

The Trading Kellys team has been ignoring this site and spreading the gospel of its misery over at Twitter. It's a perfect metaphor for our lives: Grand ideas quashed.

But there's hope. This fledgling site has reminded the team that as hilarious as our misery is, it's still misery. And putting it out there everyday [or once a week] doesn't help much. So we are going on a positive-lifestyle mission. We'll be kicking our booze habits, eating what HE intended us to eat, & laughing & smiling & loving the world.

The best part is that this mission will fail. We'll return to the nightmares of our unfulfilled and addicted lives almost immediately, if not instantly. In the meantime, though, the team will be updating its progress to be mocked like Mike Myer's last movie.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Diorama of Despair

I woke up staring at four empty New Belgium Rangers [extra hoppy IPA; 6.5% APV]. It was 7:45 am. I opened the fifth, chugged half, turned on South Park Season 7, and went back to sleep. I woke up again at 10:30 and finished the second half and turned on Season 8 and went back to sleep. I woke up again at 12:15 and stared down number six.

Futility triumphs

In a sign of things to come, "Trading Kellys" was not available.